Okay, taking a few deep breaths.

Here are the facts as I understand them.

1. The doctrines of grace, as given in the Bible and summarized by the confessional Reformed faith-- Westminster will do-- are the most consistent, believable way of understanding reality that I've yet found. To wit, God made man to love and serve him; man fell; God became man to redeem us by his perfect life, death and resurrection; and those who are able by the grace of God to believe this will thereby escape hell and see God. I'm squidgy around the edges on Biblical inerrancy, or maybe my "hermeneutic" is somehow "postmodern". Maybe I'm spiritually immature and scared of denouncing sin. I'll be working that out here. Even in my pride or sin or stupidity or whatever, I know enough (or am desperate and ignorant enough) to give the Bible "accurate to a first approximation" in terms of political history, and "accurate to a high degree" for biography of Jesus, and "rings true" to the content of the epistles.
   
2. I've got to stop whining and agonizing. It's doing nobody any good. If the agony is God's little message, great. I'm reading it. You're getting through, Lord! I need you! I have not acknowledged you as Lord in all the areas I need to. Please help! Meanwhile, I lack the faith or cojones or whatever it takes to have another confrontation in my family on this point. I'm a bad "leader" and for now I have to live with that.
   
3. There is stuff I can do. There is truth I can tell without appearing openly hostile. There are ways I can love my family, friends and coworkers sacrificially even as I go to my mamsy-pamsy mainline Protestant church, study the scriptures, and go about my daily routine looking for strength to improve, to walk in greater holiness and knowledge of Christ.
   

And I'm gonna. How's that for positive? I hear that He won't quench a smoldering wick or crush a bruised reed. So Merry Christmas, all you other folks out there who wonder if you can quite believe, or if you've quite believed enough. Let's pray and hope and maybe 2011 will begin to tell.