It sucks to not quite believe enough.
I listen to some Reformed sermon or other (downloaded off the internet) more days than not. They all say fairly similar things: I am saved (if I am) by grace; my salvation should show itself in movement toward holiness, by which is meant adherence to the Bible in my behavior. No, I don't think I'm supposed to be perfect. But I'm supposed to be, well, obviously different.
One of the differences that I'm supposed to evince is commitment to a church; or, more precisely, a church that lives and preaches sola scriptura and all that it implies. The kind of church whose commitment to Jesus and the Scriptures is absolute. From the secular standpoint, that is, the kind of church whose members, when asked, will voice the kind of opinions that the media categorizes as "socially conservative".
This will not fly at my house. It's not that I haven't tried. "Look," I've said to my wife, "at this church's commitment to Jesus, to giving, to living in a way that anticipates the kingdom of God."
"Look," she responds, "at these articles I've googled that report how ministers in the same denomination are firing gay church employees and trying their damnedest to deny basic civil rights to homosexuals."
What do I say to her? Plead that their motivation is love? She's not buying that, even when I can.
Of course it's deeper than the one issue. She doesn't believe in the resurrection, doesn't really see what it is she would need to be "saved" from by Jesus' death, certainly doesn't trouble herself about "what the Bible says". And I have a hard time getting too worked up about that. Am I really supposed to warn the person I love and respect more than anyone else on the planet that I fear she's bound for hell? I can't bring myself to believe that, let alone say it with a straight face. Yes, I feel (at least most of the time) that she's mistaken about these things, but it seems to me an honest mistake. Me in hell? Sure. Could happen easily. I am a worm. Her in hell? God wouldn't let that happen. She is honest and upright and kind. If she's "rejecting the gospel", that surely has a lot to do with growing up in a place where she regularly got picked on for not going to church. (Think about that the next time you're lamenting how "hard" it is to be a Christian in America.)
And while we're on the subject, what about her parents? Also honest and upright and kind. And atheists. They come from the rural midwest, and are doubtless reacting to a lot of what passed for Christianity there. Whatever the reason, they disbelieve in God but believe wholeheartedly, so far as I can tell, in the good. They welcomed me into their family with open arms. I watch them pour out time and love on my wife and I, on our daughter, on their visually-impaired son (who, incidentally, professes Christianity). I turn to them for advice about all manner of issues. Am I really supposed to warn these sweet, wise people that they are under God's curse?
The fact is, I know an awful lot of people whom the Bible (or at least, my theology) would deem to be lost sinners, whom I can't quite see as "lost". I love my friends and family, love them, love the rebel streak in them, love the middle finger that flies up when someone tries to tell them how to think. That's not all rebellion against their Creator. A lot of it is rebellion against the pharisees and scribes (deep in your hearts you know who you are), and I hope God rewards it.
2 comments:
I hear your heart for your wife and family. It *is* hard to see such "nice people" as lost. I am in the same position with most of my family members and at least one of my friends. The hard truth is, though, they *are* lost, though, according to the Bible. The Bible says, too, that they already know the true God, but that they suppress the truth in unrighteousness. I know that it's hard to hear that-- believe me, I know. Some of my family members may well be in Hell now, and I struggle with that possibility. What do you think of Paul's words on this subject, from Romans 1:18-21?
Christopher, thanks for your comment.
Like so much of Romans, the verses you cite ring true to me. My wife has a big chip on her shoulder about Christianity, to be sure; but the thing is, I helped put it there. She married a liberal Christian, and in recent years she's seen me morph into what looks to her like a fundamentalist. It's not what she signed up for, and I can't blame her for being ticked.
In other words, not only is she suppressing the truth in her own unrighteousness, but she's also reacting to my apparent betrayal of our previously-shared values.
Now to be honest, I really don't "tremble for her soul" the way scripture suggests I should. This is a deficiency in my own faith, I imagine. But I did try for a while to approach her with these "without excuse" sort of thoughts, albeit in kinder, gentler language. Her reaction made me feel like I was abusing her, like I was killing this wonderful relationship we've had for so many years.
She said didn't feel she could truly be close to someone who followed the Bible "blindly" and "ignored science". After several weeks of sleep-deprived nights when we laid in bed arguing and fell asleep exhausted and angry, she started to say that not only could she not be close to me, she couldn't respect me.
At some point after that, I started trying to convince myself that I had been wrong about this "sola scriptura" stuff. And I'm still trying, on and off.
My "true" (?) beliefs went underground. That's how I've managed. So Christopher, what do you do? How do you handle it when the people you love, the people who love you and to whom you owe loyalty, get heartbroken about your "apostasy" from their worldview?
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